Hello you!
So much part of me and yet not. I'll come clean and say I've not really known how to respond to you - this pregnancy has felt very alien in many ways. Which is not to say you are not wanted - you very much are - I just think I hadn't really processed what pregnancy would be. I've thought about being a mother and having a family but I don't think I ever imagined myself pregnant!
It's a very strange feeling having your body invaded by - a life! For weeks I couldn't see anything different in me but felt like my emotions, my bodily impulses, my brain had been affected by some drug I didn't remember taking. Now that your growing body is more evident in mine, I'm finding being pregnant less abstract and easier to imagine that you're there. Now my battle is to fight the anxiety that comes with my consciousness of your presence - what if....? What if it isn't? What if I'm not enough?
Mercifully, your father has been nothing short of a saint. He has rubbed my neck and made me ginger tea and made sure I was eating my snacks and let me soak his t-shirt in my tears that were sometimes rational but mostly not. Good men do exist and your dad is one of the best. He has sacrificed so much to be an equal partner in this journey and I will be forever grateful.
Next week we get to see you in a detailed scan. I am equal parts terrified and excited.
Until then, stay comfy and if you could give me a kick or two occasionally so I know you're ok, that would be grand.
In fear and trembling,
Your mother.
P.S. It's about to pour with rain - the sky is dark, the air is thick with humidity (yup my hair is all over the place), and the wind is starting to pick up, wafting hints of petrichor through our living room. I really hope you will get to experience African thunderstorms like this. There's nothing like it.
